The Modern Rogue’s Guide To Valentine’s Day

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by Mike Garowee & Dwayne Hoover

It’s Valentine’s Day, and like every other year, you procrastinated. Now it’s crunch time, and you’re thinking you’re probably doomed to picking up a 10 pack of Hershey bars and whatever wilted remains are left over at your local florist.

Or you could, you know, get creative.


Craft A Ring Out Of A Coin

Jewelry is expensive. Really expensive, you guys. Wouldn’t it be great if you could snag a ring for, like, 25 cents? But that’s just crazy talk.

Unless, that is, you happen to have 25 cents in the form of a quarter and want to go the DIY route. It’s not a complicated project, either. Just drill out the center of the quarter, and start smacking the hell out of its edge with a large spoon. Then just keep doing that, for hours, until it’s the correct size.


Granted, you don’t end up with some diamond-heavy beast of a ring that’s so sparkly it can be seen from space, but you also don’t have to sell a kidney to be able to afford it. And sure, it has some of the text from the quarter on the inside surface, but nobody sees that part anyway. Plus, it’s something you put time and effort in to. Lots of effort. Hours of mind-numbing, spoon-whacking effort. That has to be worth something.

If you want to up your game next year and get a bit fancier, you could do like this guy did and make an absolutely gorgeous ring out of two hex nuts. Of course, that one’s going to require quite a bit of skill, and maybe even some tools you don’t have. But hey, at least you won’t have to beat it with a spoon for what seems like an eternity.

Make Flowers Out Of Tissue Paper

You know what else is expensive? Flowers. Seriously, you can spend $400 on a bouquet of roses, which seems like a horrible waste of money given they’re only worth looking at for about a week. But maybe you’re independently wealthy and money’s no object, so if that’s the case ... no, that’s still $400 for freaking flowers.

Fortunately, there’s an alternative, and all you need is some appropriately-colored tissue paper and a little bit of patience to make your very own roses:


You could also try your hand at origami to add some lilies to your bouquet:


Or grab some crepe paper and throw some daffodils in there:


Now, the obvious downside is that your homemade flowers won’t smell like real ones. They will, however, outlast their all natural counterparts by basically forever. Plus, you don’t have to water them or watch them wither away like a depressing metaphor for dying love.

Make Your Own Perfume

We feel like a broken record here, but perfume costs a lot, too. Granted, you’re probably not going to spend $2,000 on the stuff, but it’s not uncommon to drop $100 or more on a bottle.

Well, if you have some essential oils and vodka lying around (who doesn’t?), you could just make your own:


The beauty of creating your own fragrance is that you get to ... well, create your own fragrance. You get to mix and match different scents and come up with something truly unique.

Plus, there’s bound to be vodka left over, which as we all know is the cornerstone of any heartwarming Valentine’s Day.

Use The Love Poem Generator

So you’re not a clever wordsmith, especially when it comes to poetry. That’s perfectly fine – we each have our own talents. Maybe yours is woodworking or stock speculation or feral cat wrangling. It doesn’t matter ... just keep doing your thing.

But a poem might put a nice, romantic touch on this most romantic of days. Wouldn’t some loving words be the ideal accompaniment to your quarter ring, paper flowers and homemade perfume? Hell yes they would.

If you’re struggling to find the perfect words to let that special someone know how you feel, though, do know that the internet has your back by way of the Love Poem Generator. Just plug in a few descriptive words, hit “submit” and BAM! Romance, baby.



Followed by smooches and dangerous bicycling antics.

We even tried it ourselves, and the results are ... well, we’ll let you be the judge. Behold, the poem “For My Funny Sky” by The Modern Rogue:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

My name is funny,

And so are you.

Orchids are white,

Ghost ones are rare,

Your side is dark,

And so is your hair.

Magnolia grows,

With buds like eggs,

Surfaces are smooth,

And so are your legs.

Sunflowers reach,

Up to the skies,

A house is big,

And so are your eyes.

Foxgloves in hedges,

Surround the farms,

My air is warm,

And so are your arms.

Daisies are pretty,

Daffies have style,

Your disease is contagious,

And so is your smile.

A sky is beautiful,

Just like you.

Ha ha ha – OK, maybe it could use a little tweaking.

Like this article? Check out “The Weirdest Products That Scammers Have Counterfeited” and “5 Times That Suspected Cheaters Weren’t Actually Cheating”.

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